A Day In the Life of Waluigi
by Pharaoh-chan
Summary: Waluigi is a misunderstood guy- all he wants to do is come home from his dates without Wario being there to greet him. Oneshot.


There were two kinds of people in the world. Those who gave wedgies and those who received them. Waluigi preferred to give them whether they were literal wedgies or just figuratively speaking. This rule was applied to all aspects of his life, whether he was running his motor oil company (fancy term for let's face it, a gas station.), eating out (cutting in line ensures food to present itself faster!), or just out and about in town (Toads like it when you dunk their heads in the fountain, it makes them feel appreciated.).

Aside from making his presence generally known and treating the vast majority of the population like dirt, he did remember instances when he tried to be 'nice.' Didn't he go out on that blind date Wario set him up on? Chick was HUMONGOUS! And he only cracked one joke under his breath all night, JUST ONE! And man did her purse hurt when she whacked it across his face- he had a nosebleed afterwards.

"What-a happened to you?" Wario called over the couch, cramming potato chips into his mouth right out of the bag.

"I don't wanna talk about it-" Waluigi whined, clutching his nose, which currently blood was dripping from.

"Yeesh- what did she do to YOU?" Wario started laughing, crumbs of chips spraying out of his mouth all over Waluigi's shag carpeting. Shag never dies.

"Nothing!" Waluigi sprang into the kitchen, knocking his hip onto the table as he passed it and he let out an angry, twisted cry. "STUPID TABLE-" He growled out, doubled over.

Wario took the opportunity to patter into the kitchen after him, bits of chips and other snack foods clinging to his chest and falling down his overalls. "Oh man- she-a really did a number on you! She whack-a you across the schnaz?~ WAH HA HA HA!" His laugh was grating on Waluigi as he half-crawled across the floor to the sink to obtain a washcloth.

"Isn't funny, shut up!" Waluigi yelped, turning on the faucet and running the towel through the water before abruptly smacking it onto his already bulbous nose. "It was an accident, her elbow slipped!"

"Yea,yea- her elbow slipped." Wario wore an ugly grin, leaning against the fridge knowingly. "How many-a times have you used that one? You're so hopeless…"

"Why did-a you even set me up with her- did you even see what she looked like ahead of time? " Waluigi whipped his head around, glaring daggers at Wario who merely chuckled, pulling his mustache around his finger.

"How could I-a seen her huhn? It was a BLIND date you stupid!" Waluigi looked humiliated, cowering back to his room, squeezing the rag over his nose.

"Now where-a you goin'?" Wario yelled up the stairs, belching for a terrific addition to the sarcastic invoice.

"Can't-a I go anywhere in my own house anymore?" He shouted down to his 'friend', whom he was clearly starting to question as being such at this point, and slammed his bedroom door behind him. "Oi…" He slid down against the door frame and wobbled awkwardly to his bed, which really wasn't the most accommodating piece of furniture in the world. The bed frame had long since been broken on it, deeming it useless so he just used the mattress on the floor now. Another courteous plus of being friends with Wario, you couldn't have anything nice. He fell face first into the plush mattress and- wha, CHEESE PUFF? Right in his eye! Waluigi rolled over, swatting the offending junk food away and rubbing crumbs from his eye.

"AH- WARIO! I TOL' YOU NOT TO EAT-A SNACKS ON MY BED!" Geez, he couldn't even mourn in self pity without Wario in some way or another ruining it. Guy came over almost every day- ate his food, watched HIS cable, crashed on HIS couch, intoxicated HIS oxygen with his incessant farting! It was downright DISTURBING! Wario spent more time at his house than his own! Forget even attempting to invite any bachelorettes over even if he could find any WILLING participants- Wario would screw up any chances he had for sure. What sort of lady would want to have a romantic dinner with noxious fumes surrounding her? Not many.

Waluigi groaned, rolling over onto his back, pulling the cloth away. Well at least his nose wouldn't look any more swollen then it already did. How could you tell, really? "….Nnngh, you used to be-a so handsome." He half whined, pouting to himself in the confines of his quarters, his ceiling the only thing that could back sass him at this point.

"WHERE'S THE PRETZELS?" A voice screamed through the door- and Waluigi jumped a good few feet upwards, coming pretty darn close to squealing like a small girl.

"I- I don't-a KNOW where the pretzels are, I didn't even BUY any pretzels!" He stammered out towards the door. Wait, why was he answering this psychopath anyways? "WAH- WHY AM-A I ANSWERING YOU ANYWAYS, GET OUT OF MY-A HOUSE!"

"NO!" Wario shouted back, like a small child would. "I'll do-a whatever I want! And I want- a to stay now where's the pretzels?"

"I FREAKIN A- TOLD YOU MAN, I GOT NO PRETZELS NOW GET OUT!" Waluigi grabbed his tennis racket from its leaning position against his bedside table. He had a long day, mental and physical exhaustion had completely sucked away any common sense he had, and he just wanted to go to sleep without snack foods stabbing him in any orifices today.

"I'MMA SLAP-A YOUR FACE IF YOU DON'T FIND-A THE PRETZELS!" Wario retorted, knocking the door open and clearly not expecting anything to be chucked at his head, which clearly the racket in Waluigi's hand had just done.

"There's-a your pretzels!" Waluigi grinned, picking up his discarded racket and taking the opportunity to slam it over the otherwise dazed Wario's head, which of course broke the netting on it.

"HA- Look, it can't-a even fit over your big stupid-a head! It's so fat- WAH HA HA HA!" Waluigi had gone from being rage filled and sleep deprived to laughing heartily, doubling over.

Wario's face was beet red and he flung the racket remains from his face before stepping over menacingly to Waluigi. "Laugh, laugh, LAUGH you beansprout! We'll-a see what girl wants to go-a out with your face when a stud like-a ME ain't around!" He spat, and he reeled back and punched him across the face, only adding to the pain in Waluigi's nose. With that, he turned and stomped from the room, leaving his friend crumpled against the ground, eyes blurring from the blow.

"Yea well-a go! I'll-a show you! I don't-a need you, with-a your stink!" Waluigi cried after him, although it was a weak comeback, and he held his hand over his nicely forming black eye.

"I'LL TAKE-A MY STINK WITH ME AN' NEVER COME BACK!" Wario yelled from downstairs before the front door slammed.

* * *

**~The Next Day.~**

* * *

The door was being pounded on and Waluigi let out a groan, slapping an arm over his couch to pull himself up before taking off the icepack pressed over his face. He slouched over and stumbled over to the door, rubbing at his mussed hair. He pulled it open and was none too surprised at the sight of Wario, same overalls on as yesterday mind you, cheeky grin and all.

"You look-a like crap." Wario finally announced after a few moments of careful observation. Waluigi merely sniffed at the air.

"You stink-a like crap." He retorted blankly.

Both men stared at each other for a while before Wario finally cleared his throat.

"So- I was-a thinkin' we could go to the bar, get-a completely smashed and try to pick up-a some dames, eh?" He grinned at Waluigi who rubbed at his chin in careful consideration.

"Sounds-a good. Jus' make-a sure she's not-a fat."

And at that, both men started laughing heartily before Wario hastily shoved his way in, mumbling a quick, "I need-a to use your toilet-"

Some things just never changed- even the odors in one's house.


End file.
